Thank goodness for this. As someone who works in the DV field, the minute I graduated college I was basically hired so I genuinely thought about all the lives I was gonna save. I did it, I got the most leftist, political job in the world! Then I figured out how many strict rules and ethics we HAVE to follow or we can literally be arrested or have our careers thrown away at any second because we "got too close" with our clients. Constantly asked to hold everyone at arms length, always remain sterile and professional, and don't share with them your materials or let them know much about you. And then we also wonder why our clients leave here lonely and not able to thrive :^(.
"How can we continue to wake up & exist as hollow, dissociated, robotic, workers & subjects who live without meaning, from milestone-to-milestone, struggle-to-crisis, task-to-chore, deadline-to-hurdle?"
This may be the most inspirational article I've ever read on Substack. I've been wanting to start doctoring on a gift economy for several months now, but haven't taken the leap because of fears regarding malpractice insurance, but that means I'm just bringing my fears from inside the system out into community with me. I think I'm just going to have to have a little faith that if I serve that others will step up to help me if I need help. I'm not practicing in the ER right now because of PTSD and a lot of other factors, but I think I am meant to be a healer just not in a system that doesn't care how many lives it destroys.
Ayesha this was fucking amazing. Heartwrenching and real, thank you so much for sharing. I'm so glad you gave that poor woman as much help as you could in that moment. Good for you! Good for her!! Good for all of us!!!
"Many of us are terrified to even think about playing a role in building a better world because the mere idea seems 'impossible' to our limited minds. But, it is also soul crushing. What else is the point of being alive if not to care for people & the land?" THAT IS SO TRUE HOLY FUCK
There IS a point to life, and, at the risk of sounding corny: it's love. Too bad some folks are so scared of missing the point that *at the cost of love* they run after bullshit (like money. lol), and in that actually kinda... *do* miss the point. Self-fulfilling their own scared prophecy like some sort of Greek tragedy, maaaaan these poor bastards. (These days, I can't watch a Musk interview for longer than a minute. Not because it makes me angry, not anymore, it makes me fucking *sad*. Someone give that man a hug I am so fucking serious. I want him to stop hurting.) [How cool is English that "I want him to stop hurting" could be followed by "himself" OR "others". Without an ending I think it sounds more like I mean "I want him to stop being hurt", but the implication of "I want him to stop hurting others" is still kinda... there? I really do mean both. And I think they're related as fuck, so. That's dope :D]
One thing though: Among all your glorious analysis and honesty (that I appreciate, and fuck knows we need more of it!!)... I feel like there might be just a little bit more despair than necessary.
Now you might be thinking - is this random internet cat telling me to go back to denial again?! Fuck that, been there done that and it hurt my soul. But nah, I'm not telling you to do shit! I'm just saying, I hear you, and I think I hear some fear in there, and I think it's not needed.
In my mind, there's a difference between something (in this case, great example: the medical system) not doing *enough*, and that same something doing *the wrong thing*.
Our systems aren't doing enough. At all. I think we can agree on that, anyone with the courage to open half a fucking eye can agree on that. (And again, thank you for your beautiful and godawful image of that bus stop bench.)
...but I feel like you sometimes veer into the direction of "the systems are doing *wrong*".
And I'm not sure I'm with you on that one.
I don't think we need to eradicate our systems.
Radically transform them, yes!! But not eradicate them. Because the systems aren't all wrong. They are just... not enough. And that's a serious difference.
To be clear, I am not scared of eradicating systems. It's not that I think we couldn't do it if we had to. If it turns out I'm wrong, you're right, and, say... we really need to burn down all hospitals? Then I'm with you. Sis, I'll bring the liquor. We can use it to soak the empty beds and then drink the rest. We'll let the hospitals burn, and dance around them as it happens.
...but I don't think we have to do that. Genuinely. I think we are doing so much right already. And I find great joy in that; and that joy makes me want to change even more for the better, as soon as we fucking can.
To stick with hospitals: it sure is true that they aren't doing enough right now. But also, simultaneously: how cool is it that we have hospitals? SO cool!!
I'm so glad that when I break a leg I know exactly where to go: to a place where people that want to help and have been trained to help *will* help. doooooope omg are you kidding me?! So dope.
I'm also, simultaneously, heartbroken. Heartbroken that this dopeness is hindred by a fuckton of made-up obstacles, and heartbroken that the dopeness does not extend to a homeless person. (YET.)
But my heartbrokenness does not extinguish my joy. It's kinda the exact opposite, my joy *inspires* the heartbrokenness in the first place: it's SO cool to me that we can help each other, that I want us to do it more. For everyone.
To wrap up this possibly less than coherent comment lol: I said I felt like there was fear in your article, related to the idea of "wrongness" instead of "not-enough-ness". Lemme try and tie that together and then I'll leave ya alone.
Alright, so... "my heartbrokenness does not extinguish my joy", I think that is exactly the point there. You had this really beautiful and tragic sentence in your article somewhere, how your privilege has cost you a part of your soul...? GIRL. No it hasn't.
How could it?! Did you choose your privilege any more than the poor chose their poverty?
Your privilege gives you the power to do more, and that implies responsibility, yes, but you already know that! You're already trying!! You're already doing so well!!!
And if you ever feel like it's not enough, well - yeah. You're not enough to heal the entire world right now. No shit. Same argument as with the systems tho: You alone not being enough is not the same as you being wrong somehow. You're not wrong, not one bit.
Your soul is intact. I swear.
Sometimes, when I talk to anarchists (and I'm relatively new to this btw, so like. Correct me if I'm wrong)... and they start talking about how we need a completely 100% fresh start.... I feel like they are talking from fear. I feel like they are, in a strange way, talking like they are me as a teenager, overwhelmed by my messy room, suddenly wishing there was a button to make it all disappear - or maybe I could set it all on fire? :D Fuck all this bullshit!!
The anger is real, and it's justified to a degree (I really did have too much stuff in my room, much of which I didn't even like. And analogously, we really do have a lot of shit in the world, much of which we don't even like) - but no, I would not have been happier if I had burned my room down. I could have coped if I had, sure! But it would have taken longer and would have involved some very distressed parents and possibly some government agencies lol.
And so... I think we can survive a hard restart, sure. But I don't think we need one. Genuinely.
[remembers I wanted to tie the fear in] yeah that's what I mean, thinking it *is* necessary, thinking that a complete eradication of our systems and a completely new start ist the *only* way to make the world fair? That, I think, is inspired by fear. By the idea that we (and our systems) aren't just not-enough, but *wrong.* And I disagree.
I think we can just take one step at a time, like we are already doing. And things will get better.
Hi! I'm no expert or anything, but it sounds like your ideas of change stem from a reformist framework, which used to be my approach of seeing things too! But, lately I find myself leaning more and more towards anarchy, because the system is... continuously proving itself wrong instead of simply not (trying hard) enough. It's like, there's a certain point in a relationship where you can no longer tolerate a partner's certain behaviors, because despite communicating your needs and boundaries, they don't show any remorse or the slightest intent to change it out of respect for you. I think that's how anarchists view the system. They just choose to let go of that relationship altogether to make space so a better one can enter. Not because they fail to see the old partner's values, but because the harm done outweighs the prospect of staying in it, hehe. Just my two cents! I guess some anger can be perfectly justified in the face of urgent self preservation. =)
Have you ever read all about love by bell hooks? Changed my life. I swear if the entire world read all about love and braiding sweetgrass most of our problems would be solved lol
What about those of us that already "can't work a job", nvm "find purpose in community outside your job"? It feels like living in different worlds. People are deeply uncharitable towards "those who can't work".
& assuming I can even get back to a baseline of health where "I can work" (with stable health), I'd have no energy to "find community". IDK how to articulate this, but it feels like a catch-22 where I'm falling through gaps no matter what I do or try. Maybe it's my local context, maybe it's my own health limitations, it's unclear...
Seems that I'm the one that "needs help", but there is already none to be had. I internalise the truth of this message, & yet, I'm still enmeshed in the colonial healthcare systems, for want of an alternative, BC I really do have biophysical disorders. It's not so simple to break away, even if you see it.
Anw, thanks for writing this, I do vibe with it a lot... just not sure how to "help myself" even in the face of all this.
JN, my heart goes out to you. Those whose work is just keeping themselves functional enough to survive, maybe have moments of thriving but no easy path… many of us have one or more friends and family in this circumstance if not ourselves. No advice here, just wanted to acknowledge the added obstacles that some face and maybe in our current anti community culture it is even more hard to imagine.
Perhaps the most community I’ve been feeling post COVID is going regularly to our women’s professional soccer games with my husband and daughter who has severe limits on her. Could also be done for no cost (except of getting there which may be a challenge! ) by following a high school or college team. Even tho a crowd, outdoor setting is a positive. Hoping to join in with some of the community outreach now that we feel comfortable there.
Really great work here. I agree in general with most of this.
But there’s a vulnerability to these realisations, too, which is that when you go through these kinds of breakdowns of ego, breakdown of loyalty to empire, and look for places to land on the other side; it’s not *just* that it’s messy, right? It’s not just that it’s a space of mistakes. It’s that you enter a space of *cultivated* vulnerability outside the known convenience and the support of Empire. Empires in fact *use* these spaces often as pressure valves to reinforce their existing systems, as ecosystems which funnel straight back in - which is how NFPs so often just become tools of empires, just as much as they were ways for carers to craft community care outside of their jobs, once upon a time.
Unfortunately some people know these systems very very well and are counting on the vulnerability of those pre-revolutionary spaces to thrive as big predator fish in small and invisible ponds, using other people’s desperation to feed their egos, their needs for validation.
I say this not to discourage anyone from taking that first step, but to remind folks eager to do so that it can help to take those steps slowly. Let the people you are hoping to help get to know you on a scale and speed that is safe for them. Learn about cult tactics to protect yourself against them - you will be more vulnerable to them if you are breaking free of the support of a successful capitalist job and life, if you are desperate for community. Look for people who are older than you who have been doing the work for a while, who are known to community as reliable, who know what it means to do that work sustainably. Because they do exist. The movements of resistance have continued to exist in a-near unbroken chain since the beginning of all Empires.
This is true. As a teacher you need to teach through the gaps in the curriculum and save some of your energy for afterschool clubs etc. Keep aware and nimble - it's tricky.
I loved reading this! I’ve been thinking about this topic recently while sitting in the Despair, and it was so refreshing/calming to read your take on how the despair etc. is a part of the process - I think you’re right, I think it unites us too, and shows us we are alive! thanks for putting words to your feelings and also what to me is ultimately a very inspirational piece that found me at the right time :-)
Thank you for this poignant and timely encouragement. (though I’ve been away from this site for awhile so I’m reading this long after it was published)
I’m in the midst of shifting my entire “career” trajectory to work in healthcare. I’ve long been mistrustful of most practitioners of western medicine, and am apprehensive about working in the system. But your words remind me that the ultimate goal is to build a skillset that will allow me to better contribute to building something different.
May all our paths be blessed with frequent reminders that bring us back to our humanity.
Thank you for your clarity, I live in the UK and our healthcare etc is hurtling in this direction . It’s heartbreaking and yes community is the way forward, though it’s hard to build as lots have lost the art of being in community and are struggling to adapt back ( plus lots of trauma can create behavioural challenges ). A long path of recovery ❤️🩹
Thank goodness for this. As someone who works in the DV field, the minute I graduated college I was basically hired so I genuinely thought about all the lives I was gonna save. I did it, I got the most leftist, political job in the world! Then I figured out how many strict rules and ethics we HAVE to follow or we can literally be arrested or have our careers thrown away at any second because we "got too close" with our clients. Constantly asked to hold everyone at arms length, always remain sterile and professional, and don't share with them your materials or let them know much about you. And then we also wonder why our clients leave here lonely and not able to thrive :^(.
"How can we continue to wake up & exist as hollow, dissociated, robotic, workers & subjects who live without meaning, from milestone-to-milestone, struggle-to-crisis, task-to-chore, deadline-to-hurdle?"
This may be the most inspirational article I've ever read on Substack. I've been wanting to start doctoring on a gift economy for several months now, but haven't taken the leap because of fears regarding malpractice insurance, but that means I'm just bringing my fears from inside the system out into community with me. I think I'm just going to have to have a little faith that if I serve that others will step up to help me if I need help. I'm not practicing in the ER right now because of PTSD and a lot of other factors, but I think I am meant to be a healer just not in a system that doesn't care how many lives it destroys.
Well, I guess there's no excuse after reading that! Thanks, Doctor Khan.
Ayesha this was fucking amazing. Heartwrenching and real, thank you so much for sharing. I'm so glad you gave that poor woman as much help as you could in that moment. Good for you! Good for her!! Good for all of us!!!
"Many of us are terrified to even think about playing a role in building a better world because the mere idea seems 'impossible' to our limited minds. But, it is also soul crushing. What else is the point of being alive if not to care for people & the land?" THAT IS SO TRUE HOLY FUCK
There IS a point to life, and, at the risk of sounding corny: it's love. Too bad some folks are so scared of missing the point that *at the cost of love* they run after bullshit (like money. lol), and in that actually kinda... *do* miss the point. Self-fulfilling their own scared prophecy like some sort of Greek tragedy, maaaaan these poor bastards. (These days, I can't watch a Musk interview for longer than a minute. Not because it makes me angry, not anymore, it makes me fucking *sad*. Someone give that man a hug I am so fucking serious. I want him to stop hurting.) [How cool is English that "I want him to stop hurting" could be followed by "himself" OR "others". Without an ending I think it sounds more like I mean "I want him to stop being hurt", but the implication of "I want him to stop hurting others" is still kinda... there? I really do mean both. And I think they're related as fuck, so. That's dope :D]
One thing though: Among all your glorious analysis and honesty (that I appreciate, and fuck knows we need more of it!!)... I feel like there might be just a little bit more despair than necessary.
Now you might be thinking - is this random internet cat telling me to go back to denial again?! Fuck that, been there done that and it hurt my soul. But nah, I'm not telling you to do shit! I'm just saying, I hear you, and I think I hear some fear in there, and I think it's not needed.
In my mind, there's a difference between something (in this case, great example: the medical system) not doing *enough*, and that same something doing *the wrong thing*.
Our systems aren't doing enough. At all. I think we can agree on that, anyone with the courage to open half a fucking eye can agree on that. (And again, thank you for your beautiful and godawful image of that bus stop bench.)
...but I feel like you sometimes veer into the direction of "the systems are doing *wrong*".
And I'm not sure I'm with you on that one.
I don't think we need to eradicate our systems.
Radically transform them, yes!! But not eradicate them. Because the systems aren't all wrong. They are just... not enough. And that's a serious difference.
To be clear, I am not scared of eradicating systems. It's not that I think we couldn't do it if we had to. If it turns out I'm wrong, you're right, and, say... we really need to burn down all hospitals? Then I'm with you. Sis, I'll bring the liquor. We can use it to soak the empty beds and then drink the rest. We'll let the hospitals burn, and dance around them as it happens.
...but I don't think we have to do that. Genuinely. I think we are doing so much right already. And I find great joy in that; and that joy makes me want to change even more for the better, as soon as we fucking can.
To stick with hospitals: it sure is true that they aren't doing enough right now. But also, simultaneously: how cool is it that we have hospitals? SO cool!!
I'm so glad that when I break a leg I know exactly where to go: to a place where people that want to help and have been trained to help *will* help. doooooope omg are you kidding me?! So dope.
I'm also, simultaneously, heartbroken. Heartbroken that this dopeness is hindred by a fuckton of made-up obstacles, and heartbroken that the dopeness does not extend to a homeless person. (YET.)
But my heartbrokenness does not extinguish my joy. It's kinda the exact opposite, my joy *inspires* the heartbrokenness in the first place: it's SO cool to me that we can help each other, that I want us to do it more. For everyone.
To wrap up this possibly less than coherent comment lol: I said I felt like there was fear in your article, related to the idea of "wrongness" instead of "not-enough-ness". Lemme try and tie that together and then I'll leave ya alone.
Alright, so... "my heartbrokenness does not extinguish my joy", I think that is exactly the point there. You had this really beautiful and tragic sentence in your article somewhere, how your privilege has cost you a part of your soul...? GIRL. No it hasn't.
How could it?! Did you choose your privilege any more than the poor chose their poverty?
Your privilege gives you the power to do more, and that implies responsibility, yes, but you already know that! You're already trying!! You're already doing so well!!!
And if you ever feel like it's not enough, well - yeah. You're not enough to heal the entire world right now. No shit. Same argument as with the systems tho: You alone not being enough is not the same as you being wrong somehow. You're not wrong, not one bit.
Your soul is intact. I swear.
Sometimes, when I talk to anarchists (and I'm relatively new to this btw, so like. Correct me if I'm wrong)... and they start talking about how we need a completely 100% fresh start.... I feel like they are talking from fear. I feel like they are, in a strange way, talking like they are me as a teenager, overwhelmed by my messy room, suddenly wishing there was a button to make it all disappear - or maybe I could set it all on fire? :D Fuck all this bullshit!!
The anger is real, and it's justified to a degree (I really did have too much stuff in my room, much of which I didn't even like. And analogously, we really do have a lot of shit in the world, much of which we don't even like) - but no, I would not have been happier if I had burned my room down. I could have coped if I had, sure! But it would have taken longer and would have involved some very distressed parents and possibly some government agencies lol.
And so... I think we can survive a hard restart, sure. But I don't think we need one. Genuinely.
[remembers I wanted to tie the fear in] yeah that's what I mean, thinking it *is* necessary, thinking that a complete eradication of our systems and a completely new start ist the *only* way to make the world fair? That, I think, is inspired by fear. By the idea that we (and our systems) aren't just not-enough, but *wrong.* And I disagree.
I think we can just take one step at a time, like we are already doing. And things will get better.
Hi! I'm no expert or anything, but it sounds like your ideas of change stem from a reformist framework, which used to be my approach of seeing things too! But, lately I find myself leaning more and more towards anarchy, because the system is... continuously proving itself wrong instead of simply not (trying hard) enough. It's like, there's a certain point in a relationship where you can no longer tolerate a partner's certain behaviors, because despite communicating your needs and boundaries, they don't show any remorse or the slightest intent to change it out of respect for you. I think that's how anarchists view the system. They just choose to let go of that relationship altogether to make space so a better one can enter. Not because they fail to see the old partner's values, but because the harm done outweighs the prospect of staying in it, hehe. Just my two cents! I guess some anger can be perfectly justified in the face of urgent self preservation. =)
Have you ever read all about love by bell hooks? Changed my life. I swear if the entire world read all about love and braiding sweetgrass most of our problems would be solved lol
What about those of us that already "can't work a job", nvm "find purpose in community outside your job"? It feels like living in different worlds. People are deeply uncharitable towards "those who can't work".
& assuming I can even get back to a baseline of health where "I can work" (with stable health), I'd have no energy to "find community". IDK how to articulate this, but it feels like a catch-22 where I'm falling through gaps no matter what I do or try. Maybe it's my local context, maybe it's my own health limitations, it's unclear...
Seems that I'm the one that "needs help", but there is already none to be had. I internalise the truth of this message, & yet, I'm still enmeshed in the colonial healthcare systems, for want of an alternative, BC I really do have biophysical disorders. It's not so simple to break away, even if you see it.
Anw, thanks for writing this, I do vibe with it a lot... just not sure how to "help myself" even in the face of all this.
JN, my heart goes out to you. Those whose work is just keeping themselves functional enough to survive, maybe have moments of thriving but no easy path… many of us have one or more friends and family in this circumstance if not ourselves. No advice here, just wanted to acknowledge the added obstacles that some face and maybe in our current anti community culture it is even more hard to imagine.
Perhaps the most community I’ve been feeling post COVID is going regularly to our women’s professional soccer games with my husband and daughter who has severe limits on her. Could also be done for no cost (except of getting there which may be a challenge! ) by following a high school or college team. Even tho a crowd, outdoor setting is a positive. Hoping to join in with some of the community outreach now that we feel comfortable there.
Really great work here. I agree in general with most of this.
But there’s a vulnerability to these realisations, too, which is that when you go through these kinds of breakdowns of ego, breakdown of loyalty to empire, and look for places to land on the other side; it’s not *just* that it’s messy, right? It’s not just that it’s a space of mistakes. It’s that you enter a space of *cultivated* vulnerability outside the known convenience and the support of Empire. Empires in fact *use* these spaces often as pressure valves to reinforce their existing systems, as ecosystems which funnel straight back in - which is how NFPs so often just become tools of empires, just as much as they were ways for carers to craft community care outside of their jobs, once upon a time.
Unfortunately some people know these systems very very well and are counting on the vulnerability of those pre-revolutionary spaces to thrive as big predator fish in small and invisible ponds, using other people’s desperation to feed their egos, their needs for validation.
I say this not to discourage anyone from taking that first step, but to remind folks eager to do so that it can help to take those steps slowly. Let the people you are hoping to help get to know you on a scale and speed that is safe for them. Learn about cult tactics to protect yourself against them - you will be more vulnerable to them if you are breaking free of the support of a successful capitalist job and life, if you are desperate for community. Look for people who are older than you who have been doing the work for a while, who are known to community as reliable, who know what it means to do that work sustainably. Because they do exist. The movements of resistance have continued to exist in a-near unbroken chain since the beginning of all Empires.
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Always appreciate your words, and thank you for helping out your neighbour in a rough spot!
This allowed for so many powerful thoughts and ideas to move through me, mahalo piha 🖤
This is true. As a teacher you need to teach through the gaps in the curriculum and save some of your energy for afterschool clubs etc. Keep aware and nimble - it's tricky.
Felt this in my bones, thank you.
Love this! Thank you 🙏🏽
I loved reading this! I’ve been thinking about this topic recently while sitting in the Despair, and it was so refreshing/calming to read your take on how the despair etc. is a part of the process - I think you’re right, I think it unites us too, and shows us we are alive! thanks for putting words to your feelings and also what to me is ultimately a very inspirational piece that found me at the right time :-)
Thank you for this poignant and timely encouragement. (though I’ve been away from this site for awhile so I’m reading this long after it was published)
I’m in the midst of shifting my entire “career” trajectory to work in healthcare. I’ve long been mistrustful of most practitioners of western medicine, and am apprehensive about working in the system. But your words remind me that the ultimate goal is to build a skillset that will allow me to better contribute to building something different.
May all our paths be blessed with frequent reminders that bring us back to our humanity.
Thank you for your clarity, I live in the UK and our healthcare etc is hurtling in this direction . It’s heartbreaking and yes community is the way forward, though it’s hard to build as lots have lost the art of being in community and are struggling to adapt back ( plus lots of trauma can create behavioural challenges ). A long path of recovery ❤️🩹