Narcissism is a harmful byproduct of capitalism & systemic oppression, but not a biological disorder

& Ego deaths are critical for our growth & for the revolution

TABLE OF CONTENTS

1. “How can people do this?” — A personal note on abuse, harm & accountability

2. Capitalism & neoliberalism breed + reward narcissism, egotism

3. Debunking two neoliberal, flawed takes:

   • “Some people are just born evil” — On the trap of framing narcissists as monsters incapable of growth

   • “Antisocial personality disorders are innate biological defects that are stigmatized & not all narcissists are abusive” — On the pathologization of “abnormal personalities”

4. Ego deaths can save us — How clinging to individualism kills growth

Note: The “Unlearn, Divest from, Cope with Capitalism” workshop is FULL but I will do more in the future. You can now sign up for the 1 hr community healing session where I’ll hold space for us to do some guided art, writing & somatic exercises!

It is $10 & free for paid subscribers of Cosmic Anarchy- there is a promo code for you to use at checkout at the bottom of the newsletter.

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1. A personal note on abuse, harm & accountability

“How can people do this?” I asked myself after I fully internalized the impact growing up in an abusive household ruled by my mother’s narcissism (i.e. ego-driven self-centeredness) had on me from the violent punishments to never being allowed to be myself. “How can a parent not do more?” I asked myself realizing that my father was somewhat kind, supportive, lovable, inspiring, a victim himself but still emotionally immature & more of a best friend, but not someone who I relied on to keep me safe. “How did I fall into this trap again?” I asked myself in 2020 realizing I was in an abusive, inequitable, toxic relationship for 6 years remembering the nights I just lay there waiting for it to be over. I literally married my mother. “How many people did I hurt in the process?” I asked myself realizing I skated thru life in fight/ flight, with little to no memory of 18 years of my childhood, often without self-awareness of how significantly systemic & interpersonal trauma shaped my behaviors which likely caused harm to others.

Humans are complex. The common denominator in all these people is a lifetime of surviving trauma under capitalism, colonialism, heteropatriarchy, religious trauma & other oppressive systems that trickles down as harm, conflict or abuse in our relationships. “How can people do this?” Well we live in a really fucked up, brutal world where we’re deprived of the right to live, forced to “earn” it by competing against others, made to aspire to “climb the ladder” to get to the “top” (i.e. so others are “below” us), often deprived of safety or right to our colonized ancestral lands, & deeply isolated & lonely without community support.

• So when I stumbled onto the social media niche of accounts on “Narcissistic abuse recovery”, the experiences & patterns of suffering made a lot of sense & resonated with me. I read books on healing from narcissistic parents & at the micro scale, they seemed to accurately capture the day-to-day misery & pain. However, what these sources severely lacked is any context of how oppressive systems shape how we repeat cycles of violence in relational dynamics & how this trauma gets passed down generations.

I was fortunate to have this nuance from political organizing in community but I now realize many who turn to these forums seeking advice on recovering from abuse are fed the flawed bioessentialist psychiatric framing of "narcissistic personality disorder” (NPD) or any antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) as genetically-coded immorality that some people are “born with” devoid of social context. This reductive oversimplification of the complexities of our personality/ behaviors seems useful at first because it builds a monster for us to direct our rage at & process some of our abuse but it also stunts our overall growth & blocks it with binary thinking.

• The flawed idea that there are “good/ bad” people & that this is biologically rooted or predetermined is the primary foundation of carceral logic that is leveraged to justify prisons & police. If some people are “born evil”, then the only solution is locking them up, except this is scientifically disproven & beyond illogical. We’re all capable of good & bad things in the right social context. We didn’t choose the identities or social conditions we were born into that dictate how we’re treated in this world.

It was extremely difficult but necessary for me to honor my anger, work on myself while understanding that my mother or ex were not “born evil” & their actions were not solely their responsibility. The brutal society built for them that they did not choose to be born into is also accountable for their actions- a result of generations of colonialism & capitalism, patriarchy, violence, other people’s abuse or neglect, etc all culminating to the harm I experienced. If I want to contribute to preventing abuse, I have to work with others to address the systemic roots of relational violence.

The reality is carceral logic defines our relationships & society where it’s not safe to “make mistakes” even though we’re submerged in an environment primed for us to fuck up. The reality is if I was in the exact same shoes as my mother or ex, I would have done the same thing. If all the variables were the same, then I’m not biologically more “moral” to make better decisions. It’s on us to hold all these complex truths. How do we build systems of community accountability with compassion as we heal from harm ourselves?

wokescientist

A post shared by Dr Ayesha Khan═طبیبہ عائشہ خان (@wokescientist)

2. Capitalism & neoliberalism breed narcissism

Capitalism is built on ego-driven individualism, social isolation, fabricated competition & rewards narcissism. The “self” is prioritized & separated from the collective leading to an innate emptiness in us defined by the erosion of relationships & social bonds. This propels us to spend our lives desperately seeking external success & trophies to mask the void coming from us being deprived of community, love, safety & security.

Capitalism forces people to focus on the self over the collective & be willing to do whatever it takes to get to “the top”. Hierarchical systems are oppressive because a ladder, by design, is inequitable. Since birth, we internalize the idea that individuals are solely responsible for their actions & everyone can be successful with “hard work”. Other people are framed as a mere means (contacts, networking) to achieve your end. We’re told we’ll be happy if we succeed under capitalism (make money, accumulate material possessions & power over others) & that successful people are “moral” or “good”. The poor are blamed for their suffering. To “climb the ladder” & win at the rat-race, as a kid you HAVE TO be selfish, focus only on self-advancement & develop unfaltering personal ambition to be a “successful individual” which requires you to build an emotional wall to step over your peers & secretly aspire to their failure because your success hinges on it. To be a gunner under fabricated “cut-throat competition”, you have to be an asshole.

• You’re told to aspire to career positions of power so you can control/ command/ exploit others for personal gain, & succeeding in this fucked up system is framed as an indicator of how worthy & superior you are to others. Capitalism socializes you to believe that you’re on your own, no one will watch out for you, you have secure your goals even if it means other people suffer.

People are forced to frame themselves as unique, special, one-of-a-kind, “perfect” individual who is innately better than others. So we become obsessed with curating a desirable “brand” or “image” to mask our reality. Education is reduced to one goal: make money, i.e. get good grades & expensive pieces of paper called degrees instead of learning via collaboration & cooperation. We even use social injustices to curate the “ideal” college application to land a spot in an elitist colonial ivy league institution. We’re told as kids to build an illusion of being a “good person” doing charity by fabricating concern for other humans all while striving for luxury.

wokescientist

A post shared by Dr Ayesha Khan═طبیبہ عائشہ خان (@wokescientist)

Let’s look at the diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder in context of the society we live in.

I’ve added some commentary in italics. So to be “diagnosed” with NPD, you need 5 or more of these:

• Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g. - exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements) *You mean like CEOs, celebrities, girl bosses & politicians?*

• Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love *Kinda like the gold standards we’re told to aspire to since birth?*

• Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions) *Insert definition of individualism & “you’re so special” neoliberalism here*

• Requires excessive admiration *The culmination of the focus on self-love, self-care, affirmations & luxury in the age of self-help devoid of collectivism*

• Has a sense of entitlement (i.e. - unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations) *You mean like people with class, race, gender privilege etc lacking self-awareness?*

• Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e. - takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends) *I.e. the ideal capitalist who exploits others for personal gain*

• Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others *Framed as “success” & rewarded in a cut-throat capitalist society*

• Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her *We’re forced into envy when our worth is conflated with how much money we have & luck dictates access to resources in a system where some are born into wealth while others can be stuck in poverty*

• Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes. *You mean like CEOs, celebrities, girl bosses, politicians, the rich & assholes in general?*

The fact is under capitalism we’re not taught compassion, empathy, how to care, build relationships & think about the wellbeing of our communities. We’re not taught this because if we did all this- our communities would be strong, self-sustainable & capable of overthrowing capitalism. We’re not given room to find things that make us happy, build connection & explore the world- we’re taught to be “productive workers” which leaves us as a hollow shell of a human not really knowing WHO we really are. We’re trained to be “nice” on the surface while channeling our energy to individualistic material gain. So of course the product of all this is an endless feedback loop of us seeking validation with hyper-inflated egos, “me first” selfishness that we all carry to varying degrees & it takes years of unlearning in community with privilege to access resources.

3. On the pathologization of our personality

Mainstream convos on narcissism stem from 2 myths which I’d like to debunk:

1. Some people who are self-centered, egotistical & narcissistic, causing harm onto others are framed as mentally ill sociopaths or psychopaths who are incapable of being “cured”

While this builds a “monster” for people to channel rage from surviving abuse, it also rids everyone on accountability. No one is born evil & given the right social conditions, willingness, access, & support- we are all capable of growth/ transformation. No one’s fate is sealed because of their innate “defective” biology. Not only does it rid the person who caused harm of accountability but it also rids the society that shaped them of any accountability - i.e. people who abused them, neglected them, did not hold them accountable + all systems of oppression that brutalized them. It hurts to sit with the reality that we are responsible for each other- both the good & bad. It’s easier to exile an abuser to the fringes of society than see that they need community, resources & support to be able to transform too. The reality is exiling 1 abuser doesn’t end cycles of violence rooted in systemic oppression, it actually propagates them.

wokescientist

A post shared by Dr Ayesha Khan═طبیبہ عائشہ خان (@wokescientist)

“Don’t hate the player, hate the game” - I actually think this is pretty powerful because yes, we individualize problems stemming from structural oppression. We have to destroy this unjust, unfair, brutal, violent game if we truly care to end sexual abuse, gendered violence or childhood trauma. We have to create conditions to want to be held accountable because we all commit harm to varying degrees. Dehumanizing people who commit harm as “monsters” is rooted in our own shame where we conflate making mistakes with being “bad people”.

2. Neoliberal, pro-psychiatry mental health culture has a take that might seem progressive on the surface while still being devoid of intersectionality- the idea that “Antisocial personality disorders are stigmatized & not all people with narcissistic personality disorder are abusive.”

This is still bioessentialism that centers the individual & reduces the complexities of our personality to innate biological defects or neurological abnormalities devoid of any context in how systemic oppression & intergenerational violence shapes us. Our identity & behaviors are shaped by our relational & systemic experiences + our ancestral trauma which actively alters our physiology & genetic code. Oddly, the same self-centered individualism is on display when people define their identity with the psychiatric diagnoses they are leveled. It gives us some language to describe our suffering but also a sense of self-importance & uniqueness that distinguishes us from the collective. A capitalist society primes you to desire being exceptional or “special” in some way & creates social constructs so you can box yourself into arbitrary categories. So how do we get out of this trap?

4. We all need ego deaths- to truly build as a collective

I’ve done political education for ~12 years now & grown in the process. The common denominator I’ve observed in people who are unwilling to grow or learn new info & stuck in their existing beliefs (regardless of the topic)- is an inflated ego & self-centeredness. This includes the times when I myself was hit with cognitive dissonance & unwilling to let go of “being right”. This is because in an individualistic society where the focus is always on self-advancement, personal ambition, “me me me me”, we conflate “being wrong” about an idea with being a bad person which triggers shame that we all run from. In a society focused on curating fake public personas of perfection, being wrong is considered a moral failing which means we get “personally offended” by any information that contends with our existing world view.

In a society where prisons, police & imperialism are the worst forms of cancel culture, we’re terrified of accountability & judge others as harshly as we judge ourselves, in a losing battle to be the “superior” individual. In an oppressive society that makes us feel powerless, we seek validation in moments where we can exert “power” or superiority over others. It is so heavy for us to face the fact that we’re are complicit in the oppression of others, we have done selfish things to “achieve” some personal gain, we’ve all secretly dreamt of power while feeling powerless, envied others, “networked” with others to use them as a means to an end & felt good at the expense of others— & all of this is contextual. There are a million social & environmental variables that factor into a single act. When you re-read the list of NPD traits in the DSMV, you’ll see that all of these are normalized to varying levels in many niches of society, as is overt abuse & violence- especially at the hands of the states systems. It is difficult to hold the complexities of our reality but it is necessary if you really care about building a better world- & you can’t just think about yourself. Nothing is black/ white- embrace the grey.

I am estranged from my biological family. In the future, I hope to reconnect with my dad & little sister if we can healthily exist in each others lives. I could not cross the bridge with them but I wait for them on “the other side” so to speak. I got a divorce, worked on my relational issues & am now in an equitable romantic dynamic build on reciprocity & growth. So yes, as a survivor, I’ve come a long way. What happened to me was fucked up. I also have done fucked up things, continue to make mistakes & learn from them. While it is not my responsibility, I do believe my mother & ex deserve community accountability if they are willing to grow which requires compassion.

I do visual meditation as somatic practice when I feel horrible- I visualize myself talking to a 7 year old version of myself & it feels easier reassuring this cute, curly-haired, brown ball of light that the world was unkind to you but things will be ok, you will find community. I also tried the same meditation but imagined myself in a calm forest with a child version of my mother or my ex that I had from seeing their baby pics & all I felt was compassion, adoration even & kindness towards these children with hopes & dreams of love, safety, security & connection, many of which were never met in this brutal society that takes a massive toll on our relationships. I feel sad, hold these kids, play with them & all I see is childish wonder. No one is born evil. We are accountable for our actions but so are others & so is society. To do better, we need better. And given better, I believe we are all capable of kindness, creativity & reciprocity. I want to help build that world- as a microcosm in my current relationships & on a macro systemic scale. But it requires me to look beyond myself. Thank god for ego deaths- they’ve made me a better community member & also I can let someone be wrong on the internet now! Wow, the world is full of possibilities.