You don't need to "fill your cup first" to seek or be in community
The burnt out don't need more "alone time"
Why do we often see community building as an exhausting task when we’re at our lowest? Why does isolation & retreating inward sound extra appealing when we’re most vulnerable & hurting? Why is it often so damn difficult to feel motivated to go outside, meet people & interact with our ecosystem even if we know our loneliness is killing us? Mainstream mental health messaging tells us that “alone time” is a good way to recharge. But is it?
In my work, when I say that community building is a form of medicine that can alleviate distress, the most common critique I get sounds something like this: “But I’m so tired. Building relationships is a lot of work. I need to first take care of myself & heal. I don’t have the capacity to give to others if I’m so exhausted on my own. You can’t pour from an empty cup.”
That phrase comes up over & over again. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
The entire concept of self-care hinges on the idea that you have to “fill your cup first”— i.e. you have to care for yourself first to even have the capacity to care for others.
P.S. I know I haven’t written to you in a while. The next to next newsletter piece will explain a bit of what I’ve been dealing with. I’m grateful that I get to write to y’all at all & thankful to have this space to connect with folks.
As always, reading your thoughts, comments, hopes/ worries/ fears, what resonates with you from a piece, what came up for you, hearing what you’re grappling with now or what you’re working towards… it all means a lot to me.
Why does community building sound so unappealing when I’m exhausted & alone?
Lots of people presume that community building must be easy for me simply because my work focuses on collectivist, community-rooted medicine.
I, like many, exist within the matrix while also figuring out how to contribute to its demise. I, like you, have been socialized under capitalist/ colonial systems and am forced to survive them. The details differ with varying levels of privilege & oppression but one thing we all likely have in common is that we’re all struggling in some way. I may logically know that liberation hinges on us being rooted in community. But the capitalist, colonial infrastructure of our day-to-day lives is designed to keep us from accessing said community. I can’t simply “rise above” this beast.
I’m in this struggle, struggling… so I get it, ye empty cup-ers.
After a long exhausting day…
Last week, I came home after a 12 hour grueling workday. Like most nights, I was exhausted. My body ached even more than the baseline level of chronic pain I’ve normalized. My partner was waiting with our crew of rescue cats lined up at the door to welcome me. Side note: our cats are the coolest beings we could ever have the honor to serve as stewards to.
There are lots of things I SHOULD feel thankful for. But on most weeknights, I’m too tired to feel grateful. I mostly come home feeling nothing at all.
After a long painful day, all I want to do is collapse on the couch, mindlessly watch TV and devour the cheapest take out food that I can find. Guilt & shame wash over me reminding me of how unaffordable & unsustainable this “grind” is. But, I have a roof over my head as millions around the world drown in immense suffering imposed by the same empire that is behind my relatively “bearable” exhaustion.
My joints are sore, neck burning, back spasming, head pounding. My mind is cluttered with endless worries traveling at a million miles per hour and cyclical anxious thoughts— about life, work & the world at large. Yet my heart & soul feel… hollow & empty.
Every cell in my body is telling me to find a way to turn my brain off. I’m desperate for any reprieve.
I just moved to Southern California 3 months ago. My relative isolation & lack of community in this new city heavily contribute to my exhaustion. Sometimes, I logically know that nights like this are when I need connection the most. I know I SHOULD push myself to get up, get out and find people. But my gut is telling me to withdraw from the world, be alone & do nothing.
The mere idea of community sounds exhausting right now. So I ask myself, why?
Going out to meet people, interacting with my ecosystem, writing for you all, reading something enriching or any form of meaningful engagement with the world around me sounds like “a lot of work” when I’m most tired. Sleep, shower or real rest often seem enticing because that would force me to be alone with my anxious thoughts.
When I’m most tired, depleted & vulnerable, I crave a semi-engaging, numbing distraction that makes the pain more bearable. I’m desperate for something passive that occupies my consciousness just enough so that I’m less attuned to my sadness/ fear/ anxiety/ terror.
Seeking community when we’re most depleted & giving care can be the best way to “fill your cup” & recharge
When we’re exhausted, basic things like drinking water, eating food most accessible to us, taking a shower, sleep etc undoubtedly help alleviate some distress or bring temporary relief. Hell… after a long workday, even taking my shoes off after I get home & sitting down for a few minutes is a huge relief to my aching, blistering feet.
The bar is pretty low so we’re desperate for crumbs, a tiny grain of relief. That doesn’t mean “self-care” or rest in isolation is the best/ main way to recharge, regenerate, or survive in the long run. Eventually, we need connection.
Comic Scenario #1: “Gotta fill my cup first”
I leave work exhausted, depleted, at the brink of collapse.
My “cup”, energy level, battery is at 10%— i.e. nearly empty. I get home feeling simultaneously overwhelmed & empty. Eating take out food in front of the TV sounds appealing simply because it requires the least energetic input. I’m drawn to any tool of dissociation but repulsed by tasks that require me to engage & be present with the outside world.
When my “cup” is 10% full- being alone for extended periods of time, turning inward, or doing something passive in isolation may not further drain my battery. It may even give me 1% given that I was at the brink of collapse. But, it most certainly won’t sustainably “refill” my cup or recharge my battery. If I get stuck in a rut of doing this day after day then either I finally collapse or I normalize perpetually living with a 10% filled cup.
Comic Scenario #2: “Gotta pour into the collective cup to have a shot at filling my cup”
I leave work exhausted, depleted, at the brink of collapse.
My “cup”, energy level, battery is at 10%— i.e. nearly empty. I want to be alone or distract & numb myself. Many days, I succumb to doing something that some would say isn’t “good for me” but it helps me survive when I’m clinging to life by a thread. Today, I’m desperate for an escape. But, going outside, being around people… sounds exhausting.
Nevertheless, I push myself to resist my desire to self-isolate. I recall seeing a flyer about a cultural event at a community center. I don’t know people yet. I might not be perfectly aligned with the people I meet at this event but I might find a homie. I can’t know for sure. But I do know that capitalism/ colonialism do the most to prevent us from finding each other. So even if on many days I yield to isolation— I say, not today colonizer!!!
I muster all the hope & courage I can to drive to the event. I’m not enthused about the traffic. By the time I get there, my battery has dropped to 5% because this process required some energetic input. I park & stay in my car for 15 minutes wondering if I’ll regret this later.
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