i sobbed through most of this. i feel the separation and the rekindling. i live in the midwest— the land is decimated by monocropping and pesticides. i’m on kickapoo land originally. i feel such sorrow living here very similar to what you’ve described. a pain that feels larger than my personal traumas. i believe after reading this that i feel the land crying out. i feel the depletion, the extraction, and exploitation. the violence living in the soil. performative transactions that have replaced true reciprocity. ayesha— this was such a gift to receive. thank you for your wisdom and vulnerability. i see god in your words and they are a salve and an invitation.
This is an absolutely beautiful piece all on its own, and even more so in the context of your work and ideas.
I felt these concepts so deeply in my physical body as I was reading them: the ache of being separated in so many ways from even the land I currently live on, much less the lands I was born on, or the lands of my ancestors. I pray daily with the earth, giving thanks for and to the natural world that surrounds me, the food that nourishes me (and the many, often marginalized people who were involved in getting that food to me), to my ancestors and spirit guides, my teachers (human and otherwise), and the deities and energies to whom I feel spiritually connected. And yet I know that ache.
Thank you for so eloquently giving form to something so deeply felt.
Woah woah woah. This one was awesome! I’m so happy for you, Ayesha, for this Spiritual Journey and Experience that you had. I’m happy for the Connection you’ve found. And I feel your Experience with feeling disconnected yet still tethered to a place.
My Experiences with Mushrooms have been pretty similar to Ciro’s. I’m usually very in the moment/in my Body and able to be present and feel connected, generally. On Mushrooms, I feel giggly and euphoric, sometimes sadness, but mostly peace and happiness. I usually find myself overcome with intense Emotions of gratitude at least at some point on my Trip. My Partner usually has Trips more similar to yours.
Having read about your Experience and it’s contrast to Ciro’s makes me think about why or how these Experiences differ in our different Bodies/Experiences in Life. I am a white, christian-hegemonic, AFAB, cis-passing Colonizer on stolen Land and live a very privileged Life. I have always been a very Body-oriented Individual (and I think my identities have a large role to play in my access to my own Body). I’m in-touch with my Body and how it feels (not necessarily in recognizing all of its emotional cues all the time, but in it’s physical health). Over the past few years (& starting before I ever took Mushrooms) I’ve also recognized and felt a deep pull to Nature, and also see her as God, and as part of ourselves. My Partner and I share a lot of identities, but a fundamental difference is that they’re a Jewish Person, and I think this difference plays a huge role in how our Trips go. Our different cultural upbringings and access to or participation in/exclusion from the dominant Culture plays a huge role in how we move about the world, how we view ourselves & our worthiness, and the access we’ve had to Connection.
Reading about your Experiences helped me see the differences between my Partner’s and my own Journey through Life more starkly and more clearly. I have a deeper understanding and more empathy. Thanks for this piece, Dr. Khan <3
100% agree with that Dani! We came to the same conclusion when talking about it after. My privilege is what allows me to relax and approach the experience with curiosity and no worries while Ayesha constantly deals with systemic oppression much more than I do so all of that pain that they've had to suppress to survive comes to the surface.
Related to that, Ayesha's realizations are always collectivist because they can't separate themselves from the collective so they carry the weight of much more than just themselves, while my trips tend to be a bit more individualistic.
Wow. I never realized how that separation from the collective can allow me to move more freely because I’m not carrying that weight. I have a Feeling this is due to individualism, which is a white supremacist, xtian-hegemonic, capitalist/colonialist, ableist notion; so, again, it makes sense that I would have this mindset more than my Jewish Partner, and then therefore find it easier to let go of the weight of the collective.
Interestingly I've had some similar thoughts yesterday, when I went for a walk and realized I'm desperate for some sort of connection to land I've lived on all my life. I have the huge privilege to have grown up in the same area where I was born and I still live there.
But still, there's something missing and in my day to day live I could never tell what it was. Most of the times I'm not even really able to recognize that I missing that kind of spiritual connection. I think there's a good amount of dissociation tied to that somehow.
This text definitively gives me so much more to think about! I want to thank you kindly for writing these words that found me at a very fitting time, I think.
Wishing you all the best for your journey of exploring these revelations further!
your journey and your seeking reminds me of a song that may not mean anything to you (and I'm not sure if it's what the songwriters intended), U2's "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For". Every time I hear it I cry because I've been searching my whole life for something I KNOW is missing; maybe I'll never find it. But thank you for sharing what it meant to come to that realization for you <3
This is an absolutely lovely piece of writing and I really resonate with the ideas and concepts you've so eloquently written about. I just wanted to thank you for putting some of my feelings into words, and for all your other work. As someone who is also from a mixed displaced family with trauma, I've also recently felt that void in the space where I believe community should be, and sometimes a trip is needed to see the connectedness in the universe and your own place within it. Sending you all the love!
I'm loving your letter. Thank you. As I read it I'm reminded of the insights I got from watching "Strange World". The earth is alive and human beings are killing it in our quest to conquer it and look for fossil fuels. Thank you Ayesha Khan ❤️
Only thing I’d add is that not all humans-- but just some, very small subset of humans who have been hoarding power and wealth and subjugated the majority of us with very bad systems. On the other hand many beautiful human communities are stewarding and preserving the lands and their resistance / existence has by extension kept so many of us alive. There’s a lot of intergenerational healing, cultural traditions & medicine that has protected our lands for eons ✨and hopefully we carry those legacies with us into the better world we’re building.
i sobbed through most of this. i feel the separation and the rekindling. i live in the midwest— the land is decimated by monocropping and pesticides. i’m on kickapoo land originally. i feel such sorrow living here very similar to what you’ve described. a pain that feels larger than my personal traumas. i believe after reading this that i feel the land crying out. i feel the depletion, the extraction, and exploitation. the violence living in the soil. performative transactions that have replaced true reciprocity. ayesha— this was such a gift to receive. thank you for your wisdom and vulnerability. i see god in your words and they are a salve and an invitation.
🥹🥹❤️❤️ thank you so much for your kindness Jolene🌿 it’s also beautiful to think of my writing serving as a salve or balm for people 😌
This is an absolutely beautiful piece all on its own, and even more so in the context of your work and ideas.
I felt these concepts so deeply in my physical body as I was reading them: the ache of being separated in so many ways from even the land I currently live on, much less the lands I was born on, or the lands of my ancestors. I pray daily with the earth, giving thanks for and to the natural world that surrounds me, the food that nourishes me (and the many, often marginalized people who were involved in getting that food to me), to my ancestors and spirit guides, my teachers (human and otherwise), and the deities and energies to whom I feel spiritually connected. And yet I know that ache.
Thank you for so eloquently giving form to something so deeply felt.
Woah woah woah. This one was awesome! I’m so happy for you, Ayesha, for this Spiritual Journey and Experience that you had. I’m happy for the Connection you’ve found. And I feel your Experience with feeling disconnected yet still tethered to a place.
My Experiences with Mushrooms have been pretty similar to Ciro’s. I’m usually very in the moment/in my Body and able to be present and feel connected, generally. On Mushrooms, I feel giggly and euphoric, sometimes sadness, but mostly peace and happiness. I usually find myself overcome with intense Emotions of gratitude at least at some point on my Trip. My Partner usually has Trips more similar to yours.
Having read about your Experience and it’s contrast to Ciro’s makes me think about why or how these Experiences differ in our different Bodies/Experiences in Life. I am a white, christian-hegemonic, AFAB, cis-passing Colonizer on stolen Land and live a very privileged Life. I have always been a very Body-oriented Individual (and I think my identities have a large role to play in my access to my own Body). I’m in-touch with my Body and how it feels (not necessarily in recognizing all of its emotional cues all the time, but in it’s physical health). Over the past few years (& starting before I ever took Mushrooms) I’ve also recognized and felt a deep pull to Nature, and also see her as God, and as part of ourselves. My Partner and I share a lot of identities, but a fundamental difference is that they’re a Jewish Person, and I think this difference plays a huge role in how our Trips go. Our different cultural upbringings and access to or participation in/exclusion from the dominant Culture plays a huge role in how we move about the world, how we view ourselves & our worthiness, and the access we’ve had to Connection.
Reading about your Experiences helped me see the differences between my Partner’s and my own Journey through Life more starkly and more clearly. I have a deeper understanding and more empathy. Thanks for this piece, Dr. Khan <3
100% agree with that Dani! We came to the same conclusion when talking about it after. My privilege is what allows me to relax and approach the experience with curiosity and no worries while Ayesha constantly deals with systemic oppression much more than I do so all of that pain that they've had to suppress to survive comes to the surface.
Related to that, Ayesha's realizations are always collectivist because they can't separate themselves from the collective so they carry the weight of much more than just themselves, while my trips tend to be a bit more individualistic.
Wow. I never realized how that separation from the collective can allow me to move more freely because I’m not carrying that weight. I have a Feeling this is due to individualism, which is a white supremacist, xtian-hegemonic, capitalist/colonialist, ableist notion; so, again, it makes sense that I would have this mindset more than my Jewish Partner, and then therefore find it easier to let go of the weight of the collective.
This was a very emotional read! In a good way!
Interestingly I've had some similar thoughts yesterday, when I went for a walk and realized I'm desperate for some sort of connection to land I've lived on all my life. I have the huge privilege to have grown up in the same area where I was born and I still live there.
But still, there's something missing and in my day to day live I could never tell what it was. Most of the times I'm not even really able to recognize that I missing that kind of spiritual connection. I think there's a good amount of dissociation tied to that somehow.
This text definitively gives me so much more to think about! I want to thank you kindly for writing these words that found me at a very fitting time, I think.
Wishing you all the best for your journey of exploring these revelations further!
your journey and your seeking reminds me of a song that may not mean anything to you (and I'm not sure if it's what the songwriters intended), U2's "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For". Every time I hear it I cry because I've been searching my whole life for something I KNOW is missing; maybe I'll never find it. But thank you for sharing what it meant to come to that realization for you <3
Beautiful. Thank you for putting this together and sharing with us.
This is an absolutely lovely piece of writing and I really resonate with the ideas and concepts you've so eloquently written about. I just wanted to thank you for putting some of my feelings into words, and for all your other work. As someone who is also from a mixed displaced family with trauma, I've also recently felt that void in the space where I believe community should be, and sometimes a trip is needed to see the connectedness in the universe and your own place within it. Sending you all the love!
I'm crying from joy, this is such a beautiful story and I'm so happy for you 🥺🖤🖤🖤
🥹🥹🥹 thank u thank youuu
I'm loving your letter. Thank you. As I read it I'm reminded of the insights I got from watching "Strange World". The earth is alive and human beings are killing it in our quest to conquer it and look for fossil fuels. Thank you Ayesha Khan ❤️
❤️ 😌
Only thing I’d add is that not all humans-- but just some, very small subset of humans who have been hoarding power and wealth and subjugated the majority of us with very bad systems. On the other hand many beautiful human communities are stewarding and preserving the lands and their resistance / existence has by extension kept so many of us alive. There’s a lot of intergenerational healing, cultural traditions & medicine that has protected our lands for eons ✨and hopefully we carry those legacies with us into the better world we’re building.
This is a glorious piece of writing, thank you ❤️
🥹🥹 thank you 🌸
Thank you so much for your open sharing! You have a very unique perspective and I’m happy to integrate it in my puzzle 🤗🧩❄️ 🌌
Thank you so much for sharing. I really appreciate it. I really resonate with the spiritual urge to work towards de migrating.