I really enjoy your work and have been binge-reading your newsletter since I discovered Disorderland two weeks ago. I've been trying to challenge my relationship with success and create a life that doesn't need external validation from symbols of systemic power to feel like my life is worth something. Your writing gives me so much to think about and reflect and I spend a lot of time going down research rabbit holes after I read your work - which is a testament to how much knowledge you can deliver in such a short-medium. I really look up to you and am glad I found this space. Thanks so much for your hard work!
Hi! Thank you so much for your kindness and support 🥺🥺 It really means a lot to know that it’s enabling you to assemble more resources & toolkits of your own to be able to understand how oppressive systems work and as a result, figuring out how we can gradually build collective resilience against them. I guess That’s really my main motivation behind doing this- I try to write or do workshops in a way where if that one thing is all someone has a chance to read or attend then they at least leave with a dramatic alteration or their perspective, radicalized & politically driven to then take these tools and dig things up on their own or begin to apply them to their daily life & relationships.
All this work is about gradual, incremental but sustainable and powerful change. Micro to macro. As we begin to divest from systems & invest in strengthening our support systems, relationships- that’s eventually the molecular structure or atoms that make up a strong community. And strong communities can be self sustainable & that’s how we collectively break cycles of violence! By making the system obsolete.
As for the memes- haha honestly memes became a way for me to explore alternative ways to relay info and communicate with people. I think they’re an incredible tool of political education- just because we need to learn this info several different ways. That’s also why I write, work 1:1 with folks or do consultations for groups/ orgs, do the podcast etc- some people learn best by reading, listening, engaging, watching etc. So I design the memes based on what can make this info more accessible to people in a fun engaging manner. My creative style is ever evolving & always inspired by other folks in community but I try make things that can simplify complex info so it can be more relatable!
You’re welcome!! Your goals really shine through your work! I’m really excited to learn more about how you envision a radical, self-sustaining community to be. I actually grew up in a community that sought to maintain radical sovereignty from the state, but it also had toxic masculine and capitalistic goals that ended up just replicating systems of oppression within the community. I’m always in awe of the sovereignty they were able to build, but also feel sad at the ways they internalized a colonial identity. It’s made me really intentional about what a radical community should look and act like and incredibly curious about how people envision their own future communities.
Ooh, I forgot to say, I find the background in your memes so interesting! Is there a reason you chose multi-colored clouds? I don't think I've seen any meme like them, which makes them really fun to engage with.
I like to read your newsletters at bedtime because a lot of what I’m taking in here makes total sense to me—and that’s comforting 😌. Some of it makes me laugh because of how true it is! That’s good for relaxing too. I appreciate you calling in your substack subscribers to engage together. I’d love to share feedback with you on how your work has impacted me :) Looking forward to being able to join a community or group session (or maybe even a 1 on 1 session)!
Great newsletter! I am curious if you think we are able separate “self-help” behaviours, such as meditation, yoga, journalling, from this incessant need to fix ourselves and return to productivity. I just listened to a podcast on spirituality and self reflection which inspired me to get back into journalling and try to start meditating again. Then I read this newsletter and became a little discouraged. I think that my reasons for wanting to engage in these self-help activities stems from wanting to bring more peace and self awareness into my life. Perhaps this could translate into me being more productive and successful, but I didn't think of that as the route cause for this behaviour. This being said, can we really separate any self healing from capitalism? Maybe not since it is so intertwined with our lives. I think I kind of answered my own question but am interested in what you think. :) Thank you!
In general- I talk about systems, not individuals. As in, here I talk about the wellness, self-help, self-care and mental health industry which is a multi billion dollar industry meant to exploit people while further emboldening capitalism. In general- these tools are individualistic as in focused on how you can do things to conform or assimilate successfully into capitalism. Even the idea of building self awareness and meditation is often thru an individualistic lens that more subtly drills in values of how you’re on your own, you don’t need anyone, etc (self centeredness and ego driven notions). These tools in the mainstream realm are not made with the purpose of liberation and that changes how they’re used because by design their goal isn’t to free you of the systemic roots of your suffering. Also a lot of them are by design co-optations of indigenous black or brown cultural traditions but marketed in a white washed diluted manner without their radical roots.
So whenever I critique anything- it’s about the systems of power and control which you as an individual are a part of but it helps to de-center yourself in these instances because that in itself points to one issue essentially. We personalize things a lot which makes us miss the big macro picture. For example- when I critique psychiatry as a system which needs to be abolished people talk about how meds have helped them and focus on that via an individualistic lens which is what I push folks to de-center. Sure I have a job under capitalism which allots me a bit more privilege than others, but I’d like to dismantle the system itself because this isn’t how any of us should live. Similarly, your individual use of these tools is within the context of the systems of oppression that have designed them and cannot be separated from that. And the post is focused on us being critical of how we engage with these “tools” that are more subjugation and tools of social control disguised as “liberating”. I mean I talk about self reflection and my last newsletter on how mental health systems are a form of colonialism focused on decolonized approaches and spiritual alternatives to manage our distress -- so I think it’s clear I’m not writing to scold people into not using tools that help them survive. But it matters the systemic context these tools are created in and I won’t stop critiquing that because that’s what we’re trying to wake people up to & dismantle. Essentially should people feel bad about having a job to feed themselves every time I write a newsletter about abolishing capitalism? Of course not. It’s not about their unique job- it’s about the entire system we need to burn to the ground but that happens with a gradual shift as folks strengthen their relationships & community networks while divesting from capitalist ideals/ norms/ beliefs.
Systemic problems are the focus on everything I write- & being critical of your individual engagement within these systems helps. This precise newsletter isn’t about your specific journaling practices or what have you & will never be if you know what I mean? It’ll never be individualistic. It’s up to you to be critical of your practices, I won’t tell you what to do or not to do because it’s complex. To abolish capitalism, I don’t tell people not to have jobs for example. And I journal obviously- but I work 1 on 1 with folks to help them have more tools that are collective and not just individual to also expand their support/ safety net and it matters that I do it thru a political/ collectivist lens & not a capitalist one which is the point of the newsletter.
There is such a distinction between ethical and unethical self-help for sure, which is what helps me commit to my self-care without it being a reflection of my worth or value, which is what I think Ayesha was pointing to. The problem is not so much with the practices themselves (with the exception of cult thought reform and other shady wealth hypnosis BS); the problem is the unethical hustle and grind culture built around those practices to sustain the money cult of the wellness influencer culture which is so toxic. Learning to disentangle from it is definitely a practice of itself but I think we can enjoy our self care practices without the pressure to keep up with some imagined model of success or “higher self.” It also helps to be in right relationship with your practice by understanding how certain meditation practices & yoga especially have been appropriated & exploited by the new age industry.
Ahh yes I have read a bit about that with yoga but definitely want to do more research. But you are so right. Your comment reminded me of some of the “fitness influencers” on my instagram. They seem like nice people and I enjoy their content to an extent, but I can’t help noticing it’s really just people who are conventionally attractive and somewhat know what they are doing in the gym that are paid to sell you products they usually (not always ofc) dont know much about or have any real idea of how they work/the science behind them, or if they even work at all. Or all their collabs with different fitness apparel brands… these brands are all the same and its exhausting watching them try to promote a different one every month or so. 90% of the time they dont have any real sustainability values or missions either. Its sad. Anyways, thanks for your reply!
Exactly! This is a whole very profitable industry where vulnerable, desperate people seeking answers to their pain & suffering are exploited by redirecting their efforts by victim blaming essentially. Telling people that they have no external limitations & only they are “holding themselves back” or that their pain, trauma responses & divergences are a disorder that can be treated or cured therapeutically again perpetuating the “something is wrong with you” narrative which all leads to further self-harm essentially. I think we see self-harm, unhealthy coping behaviors in a very specific way but if you sort of step back and think about all the toxic positivity bs- that leads us to self exploit & turn our aggression on ourselves by forcing ourselves to push past our limitations or ignore our systemic hurdles. Essentially if a tool isn’t built with decolonizing & abolitionist goals in mind or structured with those values, then it’s meant to keep the oppressive systems we live under in place. Except today it’s even harder to identify oppression or the oppressor because everything is laced with positivity. Bosses tell you your work is like a “family” in so far as you need to be willing to be exploited, manipulated & abused to achieve the “greater goals” of the company or institution. When we can’t see these insidious tactics, we turn on ourselves because we (falsely) think at least we can “fix” ourselves. And it all ends up exacerbating our pain. But the struggle for collective liberation itself is liberating- figuring out how to handle the complexity, messiness & not resort to binaries itself is a freeing process that makes life a tad bit more bearable. Collectivist healing tools at baseline recognize we absolutely cannot do this alone & as interdependent beings need a communal network of decentralized support systems to survive, let alone thrive. Self help, mainstream wellness culture & mental health industries essentially tell you the opposite- that you have to be self reliant, independent, self sufficient in ways that continues the same messaging we’ve internalized our whole lives surviving capitalism.
Your work has deeply impacted me at a point when I was open and ready for it. I am so grateful for what you do, and am honored to be able to support and learn from you.
Hey, just wanted to say that I deeply resonate and am so appreciative of your work !! I always share your newsletter with my twin brother and we get to talk about it and understand it and how this has shown up in our lives, family and communities and then what we can do about it. As someone who feels quite young at 19 in these spaces, I am so grateful for your insights and the insights of others you bring into these newsletters and how they are guiding mine and my brother’s burgeoning understanding of the world and systems we are apart of. Thank you !
Ayesha, thank you. I've been following along, listening, appreciating, feeling so, so grateful for... a year? now, and I have been changed by your work (and Jesse's). I'm a humanities PhD cand. at a UC so you can imagine the kind of shit I deal with on the regular. This quarter, though, I'm teaching my class (on the down-low) on the principles of rest and the anti-grind that I've found so incredible in your work, and the work of Tricia Hersey, and we'll read some other works on what it means to read and write with multiple languages under the catastrophically colonial system that is U.S. education, under the concept of grading, all the things. We're taking it slow, folding in lots of reflection, reading your work. There's not much I can do about the conditions of higher ed, but I can sure cozy-pill (lol) the kids. Normally I teach a course on my specialty in Queer Death Studies so I already talk a lot about conditions of death and dying and how they are conditions of life and living, but this will give my students /and/ me a space to really reflect on the grind and our ability to resist capitalism and anti-Blackness, and go forth into our communities with more wisdom. So again, thank you!
i found your work over the summer. each post felt like you were tear down the veil i was clinging to for the delusion of control. i’m a survivor (i hate that word!) and i have learned for much in therapy. however with this examination of systems i am shedding the veil. sitting with the vulnerability of being a hamster on a wheel, spinning out on my collection of psychology books that keep me chasing the fiction of healing. if only i could self actualize— that would seam the hole in me. i release the dualism of a bad guy who did cruel things. i’m someone who since childhood has felt the hole of colonization. stunted family members, shallow day-to-day routine, helplessness all around. church felt gross, reinforcing superiority complexes that reduced my life to meaningless. literally everyone around me was living to die— of course i was too young to understand capitalism and patriarchy but i felt the robotic insistence of both in my life. i’m grateful to be here, making meaning and learning how to be in community. not one that dehumanizes my body for the afterlife. one that teaches me how to support and love people now. i come from people that don’t know how to do this. the social conditioning has really made love numb.
I really enjoy your work and have been binge-reading your newsletter since I discovered Disorderland two weeks ago. I've been trying to challenge my relationship with success and create a life that doesn't need external validation from symbols of systemic power to feel like my life is worth something. Your writing gives me so much to think about and reflect and I spend a lot of time going down research rabbit holes after I read your work - which is a testament to how much knowledge you can deliver in such a short-medium. I really look up to you and am glad I found this space. Thanks so much for your hard work!
Hi! Thank you so much for your kindness and support 🥺🥺 It really means a lot to know that it’s enabling you to assemble more resources & toolkits of your own to be able to understand how oppressive systems work and as a result, figuring out how we can gradually build collective resilience against them. I guess That’s really my main motivation behind doing this- I try to write or do workshops in a way where if that one thing is all someone has a chance to read or attend then they at least leave with a dramatic alteration or their perspective, radicalized & politically driven to then take these tools and dig things up on their own or begin to apply them to their daily life & relationships.
All this work is about gradual, incremental but sustainable and powerful change. Micro to macro. As we begin to divest from systems & invest in strengthening our support systems, relationships- that’s eventually the molecular structure or atoms that make up a strong community. And strong communities can be self sustainable & that’s how we collectively break cycles of violence! By making the system obsolete.
As for the memes- haha honestly memes became a way for me to explore alternative ways to relay info and communicate with people. I think they’re an incredible tool of political education- just because we need to learn this info several different ways. That’s also why I write, work 1:1 with folks or do consultations for groups/ orgs, do the podcast etc- some people learn best by reading, listening, engaging, watching etc. So I design the memes based on what can make this info more accessible to people in a fun engaging manner. My creative style is ever evolving & always inspired by other folks in community but I try make things that can simplify complex info so it can be more relatable!
Appreciate you being in this space with me 🌹
You’re welcome!! Your goals really shine through your work! I’m really excited to learn more about how you envision a radical, self-sustaining community to be. I actually grew up in a community that sought to maintain radical sovereignty from the state, but it also had toxic masculine and capitalistic goals that ended up just replicating systems of oppression within the community. I’m always in awe of the sovereignty they were able to build, but also feel sad at the ways they internalized a colonial identity. It’s made me really intentional about what a radical community should look and act like and incredibly curious about how people envision their own future communities.
Ooh, I forgot to say, I find the background in your memes so interesting! Is there a reason you chose multi-colored clouds? I don't think I've seen any meme like them, which makes them really fun to engage with.
I like to read your newsletters at bedtime because a lot of what I’m taking in here makes total sense to me—and that’s comforting 😌. Some of it makes me laugh because of how true it is! That’s good for relaxing too. I appreciate you calling in your substack subscribers to engage together. I’d love to share feedback with you on how your work has impacted me :) Looking forward to being able to join a community or group session (or maybe even a 1 on 1 session)!
Great newsletter! I am curious if you think we are able separate “self-help” behaviours, such as meditation, yoga, journalling, from this incessant need to fix ourselves and return to productivity. I just listened to a podcast on spirituality and self reflection which inspired me to get back into journalling and try to start meditating again. Then I read this newsletter and became a little discouraged. I think that my reasons for wanting to engage in these self-help activities stems from wanting to bring more peace and self awareness into my life. Perhaps this could translate into me being more productive and successful, but I didn't think of that as the route cause for this behaviour. This being said, can we really separate any self healing from capitalism? Maybe not since it is so intertwined with our lives. I think I kind of answered my own question but am interested in what you think. :) Thank you!
In general- I talk about systems, not individuals. As in, here I talk about the wellness, self-help, self-care and mental health industry which is a multi billion dollar industry meant to exploit people while further emboldening capitalism. In general- these tools are individualistic as in focused on how you can do things to conform or assimilate successfully into capitalism. Even the idea of building self awareness and meditation is often thru an individualistic lens that more subtly drills in values of how you’re on your own, you don’t need anyone, etc (self centeredness and ego driven notions). These tools in the mainstream realm are not made with the purpose of liberation and that changes how they’re used because by design their goal isn’t to free you of the systemic roots of your suffering. Also a lot of them are by design co-optations of indigenous black or brown cultural traditions but marketed in a white washed diluted manner without their radical roots.
So whenever I critique anything- it’s about the systems of power and control which you as an individual are a part of but it helps to de-center yourself in these instances because that in itself points to one issue essentially. We personalize things a lot which makes us miss the big macro picture. For example- when I critique psychiatry as a system which needs to be abolished people talk about how meds have helped them and focus on that via an individualistic lens which is what I push folks to de-center. Sure I have a job under capitalism which allots me a bit more privilege than others, but I’d like to dismantle the system itself because this isn’t how any of us should live. Similarly, your individual use of these tools is within the context of the systems of oppression that have designed them and cannot be separated from that. And the post is focused on us being critical of how we engage with these “tools” that are more subjugation and tools of social control disguised as “liberating”. I mean I talk about self reflection and my last newsletter on how mental health systems are a form of colonialism focused on decolonized approaches and spiritual alternatives to manage our distress -- so I think it’s clear I’m not writing to scold people into not using tools that help them survive. But it matters the systemic context these tools are created in and I won’t stop critiquing that because that’s what we’re trying to wake people up to & dismantle. Essentially should people feel bad about having a job to feed themselves every time I write a newsletter about abolishing capitalism? Of course not. It’s not about their unique job- it’s about the entire system we need to burn to the ground but that happens with a gradual shift as folks strengthen their relationships & community networks while divesting from capitalist ideals/ norms/ beliefs.
Systemic problems are the focus on everything I write- & being critical of your individual engagement within these systems helps. This precise newsletter isn’t about your specific journaling practices or what have you & will never be if you know what I mean? It’ll never be individualistic. It’s up to you to be critical of your practices, I won’t tell you what to do or not to do because it’s complex. To abolish capitalism, I don’t tell people not to have jobs for example. And I journal obviously- but I work 1 on 1 with folks to help them have more tools that are collective and not just individual to also expand their support/ safety net and it matters that I do it thru a political/ collectivist lens & not a capitalist one which is the point of the newsletter.
This makes a lot of sense, thank you. I definitely just needed to step back and take myself and my ego out of the equation for a second.
There is such a distinction between ethical and unethical self-help for sure, which is what helps me commit to my self-care without it being a reflection of my worth or value, which is what I think Ayesha was pointing to. The problem is not so much with the practices themselves (with the exception of cult thought reform and other shady wealth hypnosis BS); the problem is the unethical hustle and grind culture built around those practices to sustain the money cult of the wellness influencer culture which is so toxic. Learning to disentangle from it is definitely a practice of itself but I think we can enjoy our self care practices without the pressure to keep up with some imagined model of success or “higher self.” It also helps to be in right relationship with your practice by understanding how certain meditation practices & yoga especially have been appropriated & exploited by the new age industry.
Yes! 100%!!
Ahh yes I have read a bit about that with yoga but definitely want to do more research. But you are so right. Your comment reminded me of some of the “fitness influencers” on my instagram. They seem like nice people and I enjoy their content to an extent, but I can’t help noticing it’s really just people who are conventionally attractive and somewhat know what they are doing in the gym that are paid to sell you products they usually (not always ofc) dont know much about or have any real idea of how they work/the science behind them, or if they even work at all. Or all their collabs with different fitness apparel brands… these brands are all the same and its exhausting watching them try to promote a different one every month or so. 90% of the time they dont have any real sustainability values or missions either. Its sad. Anyways, thanks for your reply!
Exactly! This is a whole very profitable industry where vulnerable, desperate people seeking answers to their pain & suffering are exploited by redirecting their efforts by victim blaming essentially. Telling people that they have no external limitations & only they are “holding themselves back” or that their pain, trauma responses & divergences are a disorder that can be treated or cured therapeutically again perpetuating the “something is wrong with you” narrative which all leads to further self-harm essentially. I think we see self-harm, unhealthy coping behaviors in a very specific way but if you sort of step back and think about all the toxic positivity bs- that leads us to self exploit & turn our aggression on ourselves by forcing ourselves to push past our limitations or ignore our systemic hurdles. Essentially if a tool isn’t built with decolonizing & abolitionist goals in mind or structured with those values, then it’s meant to keep the oppressive systems we live under in place. Except today it’s even harder to identify oppression or the oppressor because everything is laced with positivity. Bosses tell you your work is like a “family” in so far as you need to be willing to be exploited, manipulated & abused to achieve the “greater goals” of the company or institution. When we can’t see these insidious tactics, we turn on ourselves because we (falsely) think at least we can “fix” ourselves. And it all ends up exacerbating our pain. But the struggle for collective liberation itself is liberating- figuring out how to handle the complexity, messiness & not resort to binaries itself is a freeing process that makes life a tad bit more bearable. Collectivist healing tools at baseline recognize we absolutely cannot do this alone & as interdependent beings need a communal network of decentralized support systems to survive, let alone thrive. Self help, mainstream wellness culture & mental health industries essentially tell you the opposite- that you have to be self reliant, independent, self sufficient in ways that continues the same messaging we’ve internalized our whole lives surviving capitalism.
i never missed your single story, you are amazing , your writing is next level , very relatable
Your work has deeply impacted me at a point when I was open and ready for it. I am so grateful for what you do, and am honored to be able to support and learn from you.
Hey, just wanted to say that I deeply resonate and am so appreciative of your work !! I always share your newsletter with my twin brother and we get to talk about it and understand it and how this has shown up in our lives, family and communities and then what we can do about it. As someone who feels quite young at 19 in these spaces, I am so grateful for your insights and the insights of others you bring into these newsletters and how they are guiding mine and my brother’s burgeoning understanding of the world and systems we are apart of. Thank you !
In solidarity, Darcy
You are reaching and resonating with me 💗
Ayesha, thank you. I've been following along, listening, appreciating, feeling so, so grateful for... a year? now, and I have been changed by your work (and Jesse's). I'm a humanities PhD cand. at a UC so you can imagine the kind of shit I deal with on the regular. This quarter, though, I'm teaching my class (on the down-low) on the principles of rest and the anti-grind that I've found so incredible in your work, and the work of Tricia Hersey, and we'll read some other works on what it means to read and write with multiple languages under the catastrophically colonial system that is U.S. education, under the concept of grading, all the things. We're taking it slow, folding in lots of reflection, reading your work. There's not much I can do about the conditions of higher ed, but I can sure cozy-pill (lol) the kids. Normally I teach a course on my specialty in Queer Death Studies so I already talk a lot about conditions of death and dying and how they are conditions of life and living, but this will give my students /and/ me a space to really reflect on the grind and our ability to resist capitalism and anti-Blackness, and go forth into our communities with more wisdom. So again, thank you!
i found your work over the summer. each post felt like you were tear down the veil i was clinging to for the delusion of control. i’m a survivor (i hate that word!) and i have learned for much in therapy. however with this examination of systems i am shedding the veil. sitting with the vulnerability of being a hamster on a wheel, spinning out on my collection of psychology books that keep me chasing the fiction of healing. if only i could self actualize— that would seam the hole in me. i release the dualism of a bad guy who did cruel things. i’m someone who since childhood has felt the hole of colonization. stunted family members, shallow day-to-day routine, helplessness all around. church felt gross, reinforcing superiority complexes that reduced my life to meaningless. literally everyone around me was living to die— of course i was too young to understand capitalism and patriarchy but i felt the robotic insistence of both in my life. i’m grateful to be here, making meaning and learning how to be in community. not one that dehumanizes my body for the afterlife. one that teaches me how to support and love people now. i come from people that don’t know how to do this. the social conditioning has really made love numb.